You Are Not Alone

To anyone grieving

To anyone who has lost someone close to them

We want you to know that it’s normal to feel sad

It’s normal to feel in shock

To feel fearful, scared or anxious about the future

Or worried about death, it’s normal not to feel anything at all

Or to feel angry all the time

Or to feel like you laugh too much or cry too much

Or sleep too much or not sleep at all

It’s normal to just want to scream

It’s normal to want to continue with your life

Or to feel like everyone has moved on around you

It’s normal to feel confused, unprepared or helpless

It’s normal to feel guilty or relieved

Lonely, isolated or abandoned

Or want to be alone all the time

These feelings may come all at once

Or you might not feel anything for a while

Those feelings can come at the most obvious of times

Or when you least expect it

It’s okay, it’s normal

We all grieve differently

We all grieve differently

Take each step, each minute, each day one at a time

Remember to breathe

Your grief is valid, your feelings are valid

It’s okay to take time out for yourself

It’s okay to cry in public, to cry alone

It’s not weak to feel

It’s okay to reach out for help

Things can get better / people can help you

Friends can listen / friends can comfort you

Teachers can support you and doctors can look after you

Others have been there and will be there for you

You are not alone

You are not alone

Because…

We are with you

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Things people might say that aren’t helpful when you are grieving

When someone we know is grieving, it’s natural to want to offer comfort and support. However, even with the best intentions, people can sometimes say things that are more hurtful than helpful. Be prepared. Try to be forgiving. Most people are just trying to help.

 

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What You As a
Griever May Need

  • Listening more than speaking: Often, someone’s presence and willingness to listen are more comforting than any words.
  • Acknowledgement of your pain: Simple phrases like “I’m so sorry” or “This must be so difficult” can be very comforting.
  • Shared memories: Sharing fond memories can be a beautiful way to honor a loved one’s life. 
  • Offer of specific help: Instead of vague offers, an offer of concrete ways they can assist, like bringing meals or helping with errands.
  • Continue to check in: Grief doesn’t end after the funeral. Regular check-ins in the weeks and months that follow can be deeply appreciated.

The Power of
Written Words

Sometimes, finding the right words in the moment can be challenging. Writing a heartfelt note or card can be so comforting.

  • Writing a Sympathy Card
    A thoughtful sympathy card can provide lasting comfort to you when grieving. It allows you to revisit their support over and over again.
  • Using Poetry to Express Sympathy
    Poetry can often express complex emotions beautifully.

Conclusion: Compassion is Key

Remember, there’s no perfect thing someone can say when you are grieving. What matters most is their sincere compassion and willingness to be there for you. 

The presence, empathy, and willingness to listen can be the greatest comfort of all.

Roller Coaster Ride of Grief

Your Feedback is a Gift

Thank you for the privilege of caring for your loved one during their end-of-life journey. In about 8 weeks you will receive an experience of care survey from Strategic Healthcare Programs (SHP).

We carefully review the results of the surveys to ensure we are continually striving to provide exceptional service and care to our patients and families.  It will mean a great deal to our organization if you would take the time to complete this survey when it arrives in the mail in an envelope like the picture below or via email from SHP.  

We are committed to providing the best quality hospice care available and your input will help us achieve this goal.  Thank you for your feedback.

 

The Mourner’s Bill of Rights

As a bereaved person, you have certain rights that others must not take away from you. In fact, it is the very upholding of these rights that makes healing possible.

 

Read the Bill of Rights

To The Newly Bereaved

You Are Not Alone

When your child has died, suddenly it seems like all meaning has been drained from your life. When you wake in the morning, it’s difficult to get out of bed, much less live a “normal” life. All that was right with the world now seems wrong and you’re wondering when, or if, you’ll ever feel better.

We’ve been there ourselves and understand some of the pain you are feeling right now. We are truly glad that you have found us but profoundly saddened by the reason. We know that you are trying to find your way in a bewildering experience for which no one can truly be prepared.

When you’re newly bereaved, suddenly you find yourself on an emotional roller-coaster where you have no idea what to expect next. Here are thoughts on some of what you may be experiencing or feeling (many of these will apply to bereaved siblings and grandparents):

Psychological

  • Your memory has suddenly become clouded. You’re shrouded in forgetfulness. You’ll be driving down the road and not know where you are or remember where you’re going. As you walk, you may find yourself involved in “little accidents” because you’re in a haze.
  • You fear that you are going crazy.
  • You find there’s a videotape that constantly plays in an endless loop in your mind, running through what happened.
  • You find your belief system is shaken and you try to sort out what this means to your faith.
  • Placing impossible deadlines on yourself, you go back to work, but find that your mind wanders and it’s difficult to function efficiently or, some days, at all. Others wonder when you’ll be over “it,” not understanding that you’ll never be the same person you were before your child died—and the passage of time will not make you so.
  • You find yourself reading the same paragraph over and over again trying to understand what someone else has written.

Emotional

  • You rail against the injustice of not being allowed the choice to die instead of your child.
  • You find yourself filled with anger, whether it be at your partner, a person you believe is responsible for your child’s death, God, yourself, and even your child for dying.
  • You yearn to have five minutes, an hour, a day back with your child so you can tell your child of your love or thoughts left unsaid.
  • Guilt becomes a powerful companion as you blame yourself for the death of your child. Rationally you know that you were not to blame—you most certainly would have saved your child if you’d been given the chance.
  • You feel great sadness and depression as you wrestle with the idea that everything important to you has been taken from you. Your future has been ruined and nothing can ever make it right.

Physical

  • Either you can’t sleep at all or you sleep all the time. You feel physical exhaustion even when you have slept.
  • You no longer care about your health and taking care of yourself—it just doesn’t seem that important anymore.
  • You’re feeling anxiety and great discomfort—you’re told they’re panic attacks.
  • The tears come when you least expect them.
  • Your appetite is either gone or you find yourself overeating.

Family & Social

  • If you have surviving children, you find yourself suddenly overprotective, not wanting to allow them out of your sight. Yet you feel like a bad parent because it’s so difficult to focus on their needs when you’re hurting so bad yourself.
  • You find that your remaining family at home grieves the loss differently and you search for a common ground which seems difficult to find.
  • You’ve been told by well-meaning people, even professionals, that 70-80-90 percent of all couples divorce after their child dies. You are relieved to find that new studies show a much lower divorce rate, from 12-16%, believed to be caused by the “shared experience” aspect of the situation.
  • Old friends seem to fade away as you learn they cannot comprehend the extent or length of your grief.
  • Things you liked to do which seemed so important before now seem meaningless.
  • Others say you’ll someday find “closure,” not understanding that closure never applies when it is the death of your child.
  • Fleeting thoughts of pleasurable activities bring about feelings of guilt. If you child can’t have fun, how can you do anything that brings you enjoyment?
  • New friends come into your life who understand some of your grief because they’ve been there themselves.

Finding the “New Me”

When you’re newly bereaved, you don’t see how you can put one foot in front of the other, much less survive this loss. You’ll never “recover” from your loss nor will you ever find that elusive “closure” they talk of on TV—but eventually you will find the “new me.” You will never be the same person you were before your child died. It may be hard to believe now, but in time and with the hard work of grieving (and there’s no way around it), you will one day think about the good memories of when your child lived rather than the bad memories of how your child died. You will even smile and, yes, laugh again someday—as hard to believe as that may seem.

When the newly bereaved connect with support groups you will be able to listen and learn from others who are further down the grief road than you. They will have made it through that first birthday, first death anniversary, first holiday, and so many other firsts that you have not yet reached. You will learn coping skills from other bereaved parents who, like you, never thought they’d survive. There are no strangers at support groups, only friends you have not yet met. We will be here as long as you need us. Even though you are newly bereaved and the road is long, we invite you to walk with us for as long as the journey takes.

The Carnation is a symbol of love,
gratitude and remembrance.

During times of loss, finding the right words can be difficult. The Carnation Foundation understands the pain that comes with losing a loved one, and we want you to know that we are here to support you through this challenging time. Our deepest condolences go out to you and your family. At The Carnation Foundation, we offer our heartfelt sympathy and want you to know that you are not alone in your grief. We are here to provide support as you navigate this difficult journey of healing. Please remember that it is okay to grieve, and it is important to take care of yourself during this time. Visit our website at www.carnationfoundation.org to learn more about what we offer. Remember, you are loved, and we are here for you every step of the way.

 

Visit the Carnation Foundation Website

HOH Virtual Grief Support Group

It’s OK!, the virtual grief support group for grieving Hands of Hope parents 

This is a safe place to share, listen, and find support with others who truly understand. 

It is held the second Tuesday of the month at 7:00 PM (ET) online. If you are interested, please email us at healinghearts@handsofhopese.com.

You don’t have to face this journey alone – let’s walk it together.

April – Reflections on Your Grief
May – 3 C’s of Grief: Choose, Connect, Communicate
June – Summer Vacation: Taking Care of You

 

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Introduction to Hospice Grief Support